“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
What if the weather talks about us?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry