No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?