[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?