Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
going to the ER y’all need anything
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.