My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
#math
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography