(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
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“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Awwwww shit.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>