(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake