Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.