The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence