Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”