When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams