[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
You Might Also Like
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
They grow up so quick
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what