At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”