At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
You Might Also Like
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*