[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I put the p in pants.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.