[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
You Might Also Like
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
This is the best one I’ve seen
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”