[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
You Might Also Like
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.