*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT