Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
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My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.