He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.