Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*