Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’m listening
Perfect
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman