[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.