“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS