[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
this is the greatest thing ever
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Don’t talk down to me
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.