[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?