[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
cry laughing at this shit
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”