[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Doug is just Canadian for dog
This did not end as expected.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My time has come.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”