[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.