[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
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Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience