*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop