*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
This guy’s not having it 😆
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.