[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
We avoided this particular disaster
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law