[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
🤣could you imagine
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
BETRAYAL
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference