[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ