[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
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Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Kids: Stay in school.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling