[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
next level snooze
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack