[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”