[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement