[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.