[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now