[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.