[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.