[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.