IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
You Might Also Like
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
This is the best one I’ve seen
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is