At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
You Might Also Like
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Need this in my life lol
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
58.