<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
❤️❤️❤️
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?