*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.