Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Canadian owl: Eh?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
mechanics be like