[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.