{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
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starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.