[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Van Gone
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Close call…
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.